Thursday, 3 February 2011


Hi guys, Been super busy. I got a new job working in a bar so I can finally have my own money and stop having to ask my boyfriend for cash. Its going well but its pretty heavy going as well as college.

I have been pretty down the last couple of weeks and feeling I cant cope. I put this down to the lack of control in my life. I live in my boyfriends parents house and most my stuff is packed away and has been for the last year and a half. I have been getting increasingly anxious and this brings around old habits I have to cope with these feeling.

I suffer from OCD, this is a personality disorder that can pretty much take over your life and can make you and people around you miserable. It effects me in such away that I obsessively clean and re organise. When my cleaning and organising is disturbed or ruined I cant control the anxiety and pretty much break down in uncontrollable tears.

It effects me deeper than just cleaning all the time it can effect how you act and in turn people can think your strange or awkward. It makes social situations hard and meeting new people a nightmare. My disorder is closely connected with avoidant.
I can find myself to be socially inept and often find myself avoiding interacting with other in fear that they are ridiculing, dislike, humiliating or just plain dislike me. The paranoia kills me and I even find myself feeling it with people I know and love. It can leave me unable to talk to close friends in fear they dont like what I say because of this I usually dont say anything or my mind goes into over load and I say things that dont even make sense.

Another strand of this is being very dependant of others and this is why I am writting this. My current boyfriend is my rock and he has taken on so much with being with me when many men would have run a mile. (most have)
When these issues a raise and my mind decides it cant cope and am over come with emotion its hard to understand why someone is being so irrational, many dont. Rory is trying his best but now he is frustrated that he cant make me better. He believes I will never be happy no matter what situation am in, maybe he is right? I feel this has burdened me from my early teens and every so often it rears it controlling head and drags me under.

This is a mental disorder, an illness. People laugh and make fun but to me, us as sufferers its very real. Seeing a dirty toilet or a large group of unknown people makes me heart race, my brain pounds and I want to scream and cry.

Because this is controlling my life I see other things not as important so make up and living life have not been high on my list.

I hope people get something out of reading this, please leave a comment for me. x

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